My pursuit of a monastic vocation has been rooted in desire. As a committed Christian I wanted to live out Gospel precepts and follow Christ. There came moments in my life where I needed to act concretely on what I had been taught and what I believed. From these grew a strong attraction to the monastic way of life: to the solitude, the silence, the regularity, the simplicity, even the austerity and asceticism, in a communal, fraternal setting. I saw it as the way for me to give up everything for the sake of Christ, and as the narrow door through which to enter into him.

It was not until I was 29, at the beginning of Lent in 1992 that I made a definite decision to reorder my life around spirituality and religion. The catalyst was a cover story in Time magazine on Prayer with a focus on Thomas Keating, the former abbot of Spencer and founder of Contemplative Outreach. The idea of plunging into an intense prayer life again excited me, and I became willing to do whatever was necessary to live a life that was consistent with it.

The possibility of a monastic vocation resurfaced, and I set out again to research. Early on I came across a picture book about St. Joseph's Abbey modeled on Andre Louf's Cistercian Way. The exposition of the life and the photos of the monks, architecture and Abbey grounds made a very strong impression. I remember specifically thinking that if I am called to this form of monastic life I want to follow it there. My first visit to the Abbey confirmed this thought. The setting and the liturgy were even more beautiful than I had expected. Of all the monasteries I would visit, it was Spencer where I most wanted to spend the rest of my life.

 
Although I did not knock on the door of St. Joseph's Abbey until I turned thirty, the attraction to monasticism surfaced early in my life. When I was ten or so, I came across an article entitled Monks and Monasticism in an encyclopedia. As I remember it the piece touched on the history of Christian monasticism, the different monastic orders, and the monk's daily schedule in all its traditional rigor. The Trappists were described as well, and I made a mental note of that. Perhaps I had heard that my father had a cousin who was once a Trappist.

Religious education in a Midwestern parish in the years following Vatican II had its good influence and inspiration. I was particularly blessed to be taught by a Servite sister who reserved the first half of a daily religion class for silent prayer and Scripture reading.

I went on to attend a Benedictine high school in part for the opportunity to live in a monastic milieu. But as might be expected for an adolescent, my interests and attitudes changed. As I was exposed to new ideas, it looked as though new worlds might open up for me. I began to want other things out of life, and I was no longer certain what I actually believed with regard to the Faith.

I left my large Catholic family in the Midwest to attend college in New York where I lived quite happily after graduation, working in the financial industry. Throughout college and most of my twenties, my monastic vocation, you might say, was dormant. I did have a vague sense that one day I would reconsider it and also return to the full practice of the Faith. It was just a matter of when.

I really took to the life during my observership in the fall of 1994. Having left a job with a number of responsibilities, I welcomed the humble, uncomplicated work of the novitiate. It naturally took time to adjust to the very early morning schedule. But my desire to be alert during the office of Vigils and especially during the long interval of prayer and lectio which followed, soon made it my favorite part of the day. I found the silence, the solitude and seclusion, the regularity, the manual work of the life very conducive to the cultivation of my relationship with God.

My years in formation provided ample experience to put my choice and desire to the test, and in so doing bring me to greater understanding of myself, the community, and of the demands of our common, contemplative vocation. By the time I requested solemn profession I had come to learn that a monk offers himself to his community as well as to God. It is the monastic community itself in all its workings which makes possible this lifestyle and this milieu wholly oriented to contemplation-thus giving outward witness to the Kingdom of Heaven. We serve God through one another and seek him together. Sharing this quest with my brothers has become an integral part of the desire which has spurred me on.